I used to hear the words "play date" and they made me roll my eyes. Play date? Really? What would come to mind would be a group of women sitting around discussing poop, breast feeding and all things rug rats, while their Energizer Bunny charged toddlers ran circles around them shrieking, fighting over toys and bouncing off the walls.
That was what I imagined Pre-J (Pre-Jude). Not only did the idea of spending any amount of time with a small child- even if it was my own- make me cringe, but the idea of spending any amount of time with other women and their children made me want to run for the hills. Even right after I had Jude, and would take him out adventuring just the two of us when he was about a year or so old, I would see play date groups in action- and I'd watch them like I was on safari, observing them like they were groups of wild animals.
I'd study the play date "packs," consisting of several women out in a group with their little ones- and I would cringe. I would over hear their conversations... bits and pieces of discussions that made me roll my eyes. Shrieking children running circles around their mothers, fighting over toys and sippy cups, and bouncing off the walls while their mothers somehow managed to keep their conversations going despite the noise. Ugh. Don't these women have anything better to talk about then their kids? Why don't they control their babies- those kids are going berserk!
Yes, this is what I thought... and I HAD a baby.
Of course, then my baby started growing into a toddler, and began showing indications that I was doing a really crappy job of socializing him with other kids. My theory had always been that since I seemed to do fine living a life a little withdrawn from contact and interaction with other people, my kid would do fine too. He'd get into preschool eventually and would learn and adjust to playing with other kids there. I know now that this was lazy and naive. He couldn't just play with me for forever. Although I knew he loved me, I could see him getting bored with me. I could see his curiosity in other children, but when he was confronted with him, he behaved like a little wild monkey. He had no real concept of sharing or personal space. Of course he was only a year and a half old, but I would see plenty of other kids his age who were well on their ways to getting a grip on these basic social necessities, so I knew I was doing something wrong. And the biggest growing issue of all?
Jude's energy level. It was shooting through the roof at a break neck pace. My baby had evolved into a one man wrecking crew. He needed friends. He needed buddies. He needed other kids that he was familiar with- so he could release this energy and play like a toddler should play. Other kids his size to run with, scream with, fight over toys with, be silly with and get messy with. He had plenty of years to decide if wanted to be a social person (like his dad) or a more reclusive person (like me)- but I couldn't make this decision for him. In fact, I hope that my children inherit a healthy does of their father's need for socializing.
BUT: how would I begin to socialize Jude?
Ahhh yes. The play date thing.
(LIGHT BULB!)
Problem? Establishing this isn't as easy as it sounds. The idea really intimidated me.
My scrutiny against those play dating mothers has become clear to me now. I didn't have many friends with kids to play date with, and I knew it- so deep down inside I must've resented those women a little.
It's like junior high all over again, or being the new kid at school when everyone has already picked their circles of friends.
We women can be just as excluding of other women now as we were of other girls in grade school. Most established groups of females are not very open to inviting more members in when we have our elite few nailed down, even if we know and are cool with other women.
Just because a woman knows you and is cool with you does not mean that she will invite you over to partake with her play date group circle.
Play date candidates can also be very flighty- women can talk all day about getting together for your kids to play- but that doesn't mean that it's ever going to actually happen. Often times, life happens and plans don't go through. Or, in many cases, plans were never really intended on going through and talk is just talk. When this happens so many times with those people, all you hear is the sound of a deflating balloon when they speak of play dating with you.
I've attempted to initiate play dates with women I know in the past, only to get bailed on or blown off so many times that I gave up completely with them. I imagine that the feeling you get when this happens so many times by the same people is a lot like the feeling a guy gets when he gets shot down after asking a chick out on an actual date date. Another reason I'm glad I'm not a man.
Lucky for me, I have gradually established a pretty good mommy social network. I have friends with kids who I now get together with from time to time to play- and most importantly, about a year ago, a few girls that I knew back in high school clued into my tentative play date potential and interest on Facebook, and they invited me to join their play date circle. They didn't have to, but they did, and I am very thankful for that. It's amazing how you can re-meet people that you knew as a kid (wow- sixteen, seventeen and eighteen is now "a kid" to me!) in adulthood and create entirely new friendships, on an entirely new and wonderful level. What comforting food for thought that would have been very helpful to know during adolescence when most friendships are incredibly fleeting and unstable.
Well, it turns out, I was right. What I imagined play dates to be like is exactly what play dates are like. The poop and breast feeding talk. The shrieking and Energizer Bunny kids bouncing off walls. And you know what? I LOVE THEM. Don't know what I would do without them and the wonderful little play date "tribe" that I have been fortunate enough to become a part of. They are fun, they are consistent and they are lifesaving.
I look forward to it all week, during the weeks that we have one planned. These play dates are not just fun for Jude, but they are fun for me because I enjoy the company of these other mothers so much. I admire them as women and as mothers and I adore their children and their unique little personalities. They are so beautiful and precious and smart and funny- just like their mommies! I am enjoying the hell out of watching them get bigger along with my Jude. I'm happy he already has friends he talks about and gets excited to play with.
I think I'm really lucky.
They have helped me get out of my comfort zone, which involves a whole lot of time by myself, a whole lot of not interacting with people and definitely a whole lot of shying away from new relationships.
Most of all, at the end of the day, I am happy that I got out of my comfort zone for Jude's sake. At his Play School's parent night, his teacher shared with us that Jude is the most social kid in the class. He talks to everyone, plays with everyone and doesn't limit himself to just any one or few particular other children like some tend to do. He's friendly and outgoing and open to others by nature. I don't doubt for a second that his time with our play group has played a role in bringing this out in him.
SO- add this to the list of bonuses that having children has done for me and my personal growth: Getting out of my comfort zone and meeting new people, opening up to the possibility of new friends (as several of my old ones virtually bailed on me once I had Jude) and immersing myself in that once "taboo" subject of children, which brings more life and youthful energy into this former cynic's life every day.
