PDay (Puppy Day) is quickly approaching and before I can open up this new chapter in my life, I feel whole-heartedly compelled to close another chapter first- and that's making myself officially say
Good-Bye to Gretchen.
Yes, I haven't exactly done that yet- in my heart at least.
I haven't talked about her as much throughout the course of the fall/holiday season (unless on the rare occasion when I'm out having drinks, and in that case she inevitably comes up at some point in the evening at least once).
Closure and acceptance is taking its natural course and I'm not thinking about her as much as I was. Some days, not at all. And I'm learning that that's OK.
Christmas is almost here. The end of the year is right around the corner.
New Year, new beginnings.
Christmastime is time for family so it's only natural that the absence of a family member is truly and strongly felt during the holidays. And through all of the Christmas songs that the kids are dancing to that Gretchen is not in the middle of, the cookie making in the kitchen that Gretchen is not hovering around and the quiet moments admiring the Christmas tree late at night when the house is still and it's just me and my pets, Gretchen not being by my side leaves a very empty space in my heart.
After much thought, consideration, contemplation, weighing of pros and cons and slowly finding the strength to let go of Gretchen, Taylor and I searched high and low and found the soon-to-be newest member of our household: a white German Shepherd puppy whom we've named Sadie Mae Hines.
A German Shepherd because we absolutely adore the breed- and they suite us so well.
White because it's as different looking from Gretchen as you can get.
That's about as much as I will get into in detail about Miss Sadie Mae- her introduction is for another day and another blog entry.
Her time will most definitely come.
For now, I'm starting to allow myself to get excited about this new little personality who is about to join the mayhem that is our household, and that excitement is starting to replace the sadness that comes with missing my dog who died- and I'm starting to accept the fact that it's OK to be excited for a new puppy, and that excitement doesn't mean I love my dog who died any less.
Getting a new dog doesn't mean that I am replacing my old dog. I am understanding now that I am and always have been an avid animal lover, and that my heart is full of love and I have plenty of it to offer.
These are the affirmations that I remind myself from time to time when I feel apprehensive about this big new chapter we are about to open in our home. It's a big step on so many levels- especially considering the amount of energy and patience and time and attention and cleaning and disciplining and destruction and noise and craziness that we already deal with on a minute to minute basis with our little human "puppies" living in our house.
We joke that Gretchen is up in dog heaven, sitting on a cloud watching us go through this puppy process, shaking her head and laughing, saying,
"What in the hell are you people thinking bringing a puppy into that chaos? Silly humans. I love you- but you're out of your damn minds!"
I kind of agree with her- but I love a challenge. And I love puppies.
I've been washing cloth diapers for the past 4 years- what's a few more months of piss and shit to clean? It doesn't bother me. Perhaps the puppy and Vivienne can help one another potty train and they'll create a special bond out of it. Now there's a positive thought.
The presence of this new puppy in our home this upcoming Christmas morning will bring our life with dogs full circle, as Gretchen was a Christmas present to me from Taylor in 2004. It feels a little surreal to be going through this puppy business again, after losing Gretchen so suddenly in the spring- and I was very conflicted for weeks when Jude started asking for a "baby wolf" for Christmas.
The heartbroken part of me wasn't ready. The mother that I have become understands my son's very real desire for another dog and it has been infectious throughout our family- because as well all know, a child's innocence and open heart is the best kind of contagious.
He talks about Gretchen now like an old friend that he will probably run into again someday- someone he hasn't seen in awhile but had good times and memories with. This has helped me deal with her absence tremendously, now that he isn't so sad about her.
He's moved on. I understand Jude's very real desire for a puppy because when I was little I always wanted a puppy, but my parents aren't dog people, therefore it wasn't until adulthood that that want was finally, at last, fulfilled.
By my Gretchen.
Christmas decorations proved to be an unexpected challenge this year. One of the first that I unearthed from a box of decorations was an unopened German Shepherd wearing a Santa hat and a collar that reads 2011. It was a gift from last year- and at the time we had no idea that it would mark the last Christmas we'd ever have with Gretchen. The irony of the ornament pissed me off at first, then made me cry.
Then I set it on the counter in the kitchen next to a miniature Christmas tree and a photo of Gretchen playing in the snow from 3 Christmases ago. Now it makes me smile.
Her reindeer antlers that I would always put on her head during the holidays for a good laugh and some pictures still had remnants of dog fur on them. She hated those things but always humored me long enough for me to take a photo and give her a hug and a treat before she would shake them off.
Christmas morning last year.
Fuck. I sure do miss her.
Seeing her ornaments on the tree, such as the one below with her puppy picture on it from her very first Christmas, makes me smile- and it's comforting to know that every Christmas from here on out, as she becomes more and more of a memory from another life, when we hang our ornaments on the tree, I will see her "baby" picture and it will always make me feel happy and good and smile.
Her stocking now hangs on the wall in my office by my desk- and I will hang it in my office by my desk every Christmas as a tribute to my "Office Assistant Bear" and her countless afternoons of sitting under my feet while I wrote.
So here we are full circle.
I always talked about how the first chapter of my life with my first dog, GRETCHEN, was a true Disney beginning. Now the plans are, on Christmas morning, to give our children the ultimate Disney dog beginning- Lady and the Tramp style, with a puppy in a gift box (a very strategic plan that we are working on to execute with my brother).
The puppy for Christmas dream that I always wished for as a kid- BUT I'm happy I never got it. I'm happy my parents aren't dog people, because now my first puppy for Christmas story is the story of Gretchen when I was 24, and my kids get to have my childhood dream.
As my last blog entry dedicated to Gretchen, to give myself closure (and all of my beloved friends who have been following my Dog Blog and letting me cry on their shoulders and chatter/blubber away about my dog when I'm feeling particularly sad about her), I am copying and pasting Gretchen's Disney Beginning story that I wrote when she first died.
Full Circle.
Now I feel like I'm actually saying Good-Bye to her (and now I can actually suck it up and find the courage to empty her dog food bin to make room for puppy food)
LOL. Sheeesh.
...
A Disney Beginning
I will never forget the day that Gretchen came into our life, back in November 2004, as an early Christmas present to me from Taylor. She was already named Gretchen, before we even found her. She was destined to be Gretchen, as I'd always wanted a female German Shepherd named Gretchen.
We had looked around at German Shepherd puppies, and finally landed at a young couple's home in Norman. They had a litter of puppies from two AKC registered parents and we were excited to meet the little ones. The home just had a good vibe to it. After having visited a couple of places that were only a few notches higher than puppy mills, to be in this couple's comfortable, inviting, warm environment was a relief.
It was a good prelude to the nature of the puppies we were to meet. It was a good omen.
We were sitting at the couple's kitchenette table, when the girl went and opened their garage door. Then 4 itty bitty, perfect, fluffy, clean, to-die-for 6 week old German Shepherd puppies came bounding around the corner and into the kitchen.
It was truly a Disney moment- that's the only way I can describe it. I couldn't believe that I was going to get to take one of those beautiful babies home with me. An entire unknown future of happiness with one of those puppies flashed before my eyes and I can honestly say it was one of the giddiest moments of my life. I was finally getting the dog I had always dreamed of.
The puppies were all wearing different colored collars, and we were initially disappointed that the purple collared pup had been adopted already. I can't even remember what it was excatly about that particular puppy that was so appealing- I think it may have been one of those super showy outgoing puppies- lively and "poster puppy" like.
All I can remember now is the puppy with the turquoise collar- the less obvious puppy that wasn't as overtly in-your-face, "look at me!" adorable personality-wise, but who was sweet-natured and, once we got some one on one time with her, was the cuddliest of them all. Very laid-back and... sweet as pie. The perfect dog for me.
I had finally found my Gretchen.
We got to see her and her siblings romp and play with their parents in the backyard, and looking back at those moments of watching her run and play with her German Shepherd family- and her birth, German Shepherd mother- seem so much more meaningful and significant now, 7 years later after she'd lived with me as my adopted dog.
We swooped her up and she slept in a little ball on my lap the whole drive back to the city. We took her to Pet Smart and carried her around while we filled the cart full of puppy essentials, beaming happily as customers stopped us to "ooooh" and "ahhh" over our new, adorable precious baby girl. I held her little warm body close to me and admired her- I couldn't take my eyes off her, and she nuzzled close to me and hardly left my side in all her days that followed.
I still admired her till her last day. Sometimes I would just look at her and think how beautiful she was. How smart she was. How special and amazing she was. She'd just be laying around or chasing after a ball or walking in front of me on a leash down the street and I'd think to myself,
"Damn. I've got such a kick ass dog. I'm so lucky."
I remember thinking this last Tuesday morning while on what would be our last walk together... me and my Disney Dream Dog.
I've been thinking a lot about that drive home to the City from Norman that very first day- with the future ahead for us unknown and a little fuzzy ball of possibility and promise laying curled up in my lap, fast asleep...
