A 32nd birthday feels a lot like a 31st birthday- another year older, another year wiser, and freakishly more tired and busy with an even slower metabolism than I had last year. I haven't had the time to blog lately- the desire and inspiration comes and goes, as does my free time.
But on my 32nd birthday, I have my dear mother at my house to help accommodate some "me time," so all of these thoughts that have accumulated in my head lately can be purged. Mental dump? Kind of. More reflecting and musing.
I used to be one of those "birthday people," who would proclaim from atop a mountain that it was not only my DAY, but pretty much my week before and after my birthday.
Now since my 30th birthday blowout in Las Vegas, every one since then has turned into, "Eehhhh. It's another day. I'm 31. I'm 32. Whoopie." I've heard that this happens. Older and wiser people will attest- as I'm sure I do to the younger and less experienced than I on the matters of aging. The former keep me feeling young, and the latter make me feel old. Ying and yang, with me somewhere in the middle (as we all are I suppose... since although there is always someone around to make us feel old, there is also always someone around to keep us feeling young!)
I actually forgot how old I was turning a couple of weeks ago.
I told my mom, "Damn. I can't believe I'm turning 31!"
She said, "No babe. You're turning 32."
Where did the past 10 years go? My 22nd birthday seems like two seconds ago. I'm more happy and settled and comfortable in my life than I have ever been. It's kind of jarring sometimes to feel this... complete. It boggles my mind and makes me grateful when I think of where I was and who I was 10 years ago, at 22.
Here are some of the differences in my life and birthdays (to me) as a 22 year old and a now 32 year old:
22: 10 birthdays ago was my first with my then-boyfriend Taylor, whom I discovered pretty early on wasn't that great with birthdays. This quirk, amongst an endless list of much more wonderful and spectacular character traits, was one of many that I've learned about him over the years since we've been together.
32: 10 birthdays later, my now-husband Taylor is still not great with birthdays. Have I accepted this by now? Kind of. Although this still is something I work at accepting about him, what I have accepted the most is the necessity of acceptance itself. To spend your life with your partner is to constantly be learning to pick and choose what you make an issue and what you accept and let go of. Not so great with birthdays? Annoying, but not important. Good to me and makes me feel loved and appreciated the other 364 days of the year? What really matters.
22: 10 years ago was my first birthday with my then-kitten Niles. I have a picture of him with a party hat on, celebrating and hanging out with my friends and I at my apartment on my 22nd birthday, zooming through the house and tearing things up, being the kind of psycho kitten that only cat lovers can appreciate.
32: On my 32nd birthday he hasn't made it out of bed yet at 10 a.m., and will probably snooze for the majority of the day before gracing us with his presence later to eat and waltz through the room for some brief attention before finding a new place to hide before Jude gets home from school. The significance of including the progression and aging of my cat? We've aged together in similar ways over the years, since he came into my life, and it's very endearing and comforting to me.
22: Coordinating and planning an evening of all-night birthday partying with a bunch of friends whose friendships at the time (little to my knowledge) were fleeting and flighty and in all reality based on the very unstable foundation of partying that we were rallying around.
32: Grateful for the birthday wishes that I get from friends both old (who have stuck around over the past 10 years) and new; satisfied with a simple phone conversation, text or FB message from the few who actually matter any more.
22: Anticipating sleeping in the next day, because I scheduled myself at work to have the next day off.
32: Sleep? Day off? What are these things you speak of?
22: Inhaling an entire pizza at 2 a.m. if it so pleased me after a night of drinking with my friends
32: Feeling naughty and being stupidly excited when treating myself to a slice or two of pizza every blue moon, but only early in the evening to avoid waking in the night with killer heartburn and indigestion.
22: Excited to rock a new sexy dress later that evening to commemorate the day of my birth
32: Scheduling in a time later in the day to return a sexy dress that I didn't have the balls to wear on New Years Eve, to exchange for something more practical and less baring.
22: Drinking like the cure is at the bottle of a pint glass and smoking like a chimney all night long amidst celebrating, then waking up the next morning unfazed, curing a hangover with yet more smokes and a simple cup of coffee.
32: Pacing myself with the drinks and sneaking cigarettes in rare but valuable social situations, then waking up to a toddler and infant, feeling like and smelling like shit the next morning, spending the next two days nursing a hangover that won't go away and wondering why I was such an idiot to think I could party like I was 22.
22: Burning the midnight oil watching movies, hanging out, farting around with crafts and projects, writing etc.
32: Can't stay awake through a movie past 9:30 at night and wind up passed out snoring on the couch within 20 minutes of starting one when I try.
22: Focusing on the now and what's going on with me, myself and I; in a hurry to get past the present and closer to an unknown future of happiness and life that I couldn't even wrap my head around because it was too far up my own ass to see the forest through the trees.
32: Forgetting about myself most of the time and focusing on making sure my children and my husband are happy and taken care of. Enjoying every moment of the present for what it is and all that it encompasses, excited and anticipating what the future has in store, but in no hurry to get there because the here and now feels so good I almost get a little sad to see every day go by.
Thank you to my friends and family who have wished me a happy day! Simple words and salutations go a long way. Getting older isn't bad when you have people in your life who show they care- all that love brings peace and keeps the spirit young and vibrant.
Love to all!
