This is for a couple of reasons. A.) Taylor and I like our sleeping space B.) Our pets like their sleeping space and too many bodies in a bed makes for a man/woman overboard situation C.) I'm always secretly afraid one of us is going to crush the baby or suffocate him/her D.) The idea of having to break a kid from sleeping in my bed with me to sleep in his/her own bed sounds like a gigantic, heartbreaking pain in my ass and E.) Babies are bed hogs
Omigod are babies bed hogs. Mine are at least. The picture below is a perfect illustration of what it's like sleeping with one of my kids:
It's funny, but it's true. And this situation is not funny when you wake up the next morning having not gotten a decent night's sleep because your precious little angel spent it tossing and turning, sticking his/her foot in your face or waking up poking you in the eye and wanting to play or talk in the middle of the night. I'm a She-Bear without sleep. Some moms can do it and love it and be perfectly content with their babies in their beds with them- and it took me some self-mommy guilt tripping to convince myself that I wasn't a shitty mom for wanting that space all for me and my husband at the end of the day. We all have our own ways of doing things that work best for us.
I no longer worry about my kids thinking I'm a cold, unloving bitch for making them sleep in their own beds, in their own rooms. A family matriarch said to me once, when over one evening after infant Jude was up in his crib asleep in his room,
"He's up there all by himself? All alone?"
They said it in a way that was a mixture of disbelief and sympathy for my baby, like they couldn't believe I'd let my baby sleep up by himself in his room.
I took it as them really saying,
"What kind of unloving, unfit mother are you?"
Yeah, you get a little sensitive with your first baby.
With your second baby, you think,
"Yeah- fuck off. Whatever."
In so many words, because you've learned not to care what any other mother has to say about your style and how you do what you do.
My kids got accustomed to their cribs pretty early on in their lives and everyone in the house has happier mornings because of it.
Anyways- I gave the co-sleep a green light the past two nights with Taylor being out of town. It was the first time he's worked out of town since my beautiful Gretchen died a couple of months ago. Something happens when your amazing security dog dies and you find yourself left alone in your home overnight with your two babies, and without your man there. Once upon a time I was single and lived alone with my cat and couldn't have thought twice about being in my home by myself at night. Now I'm not sure what happened, but a similar apprehension I once had as a kid that kept me afraid of the dark and being home alone has resurfaced into my adulthood. One of the many things that my amazing security dog Gretchen did for me- she always kept me feeling safe. And now she's not here and I feel weirded out and anxious and uneasy while home alone with the kids, without our Man here.
What if an intruder came? What would I do? I mean, I humor myself with fantasies about protecting our household with my samurai swords (Ha ha! No, seriously...), but in the real world, I'm completely freaked out. When Taylor was out of town, Gretchen would always sleep in the bed with me, and I'd sleep like a baby- knowing that if she had the slightest inclination that something was off or awry, she'd be off that bed, hair spiked like a crazy wolf and patrolling the house, grumbling her big scary bear growl.
From snuggle bear to kick ass She-Ra man-eating hell beast- in an instant. A long time ago, Taylor and my house was robbed while Taylor was out of town, and I had come home that night by myself to find it broken into- and with the guy who did it still there (but escaped out a back window).
That experience will mess with your head for the rest of your life- particularly when you're female.
Taylor wanted to get a gun to keep in the house, and I'd always argue (because I'm not a fan of guns. Swords- yes! Guns- no) "Why do we need a gun- we've got Gretchen. No burglar in his right mind will bust in on a house with a big German Shepard going crazy at the door/window!" (because she would have)." Now, without Gretchen, Taylor got his gun and we are armed and gun-having.
*skeptical wrinkling of my nose*
I'd rather have my guard dog a million times over.
Guns make me nervous and my dog was just the most awesome dog of all-time.
Having Jude in my bed helped these past few nights though. His company helped set me at ease- even though he slept horizontally across the top of the bed on my pillows, diagonally across the bed with his head smushed up against my back while Niles and I periodically had to wake up and reposition him on Taylor's side of the king sized bed that felt more like a twin with Jude in it.
At one point, we had a nice little mommy/baby boy spoon session, before both of us went our separate ways and claimed our respective spaces. Jude is a lot like me- he likes his space- so co-sleeping, although super nice these past few nights, seems to be a mutually-accepted temporary thing. He told me this morning that when daddy comes home, he's going to sleep in his big boy bed- but that he liked sleeping with me and Niles. That makes me happy.
Gretchen's bed is still next to my side of the bed. It'll be quite a milestone and a momentous day when I move it. It's not going to happen for awhile. When I was in bed last night, with Jude asleep next to me on one side, and my cat Niles on my other side, I looked through the dark and studied the doorway to my room, where Gretchen might have been posted up if she would have been there.
She would have accepted Jude in her place, which was Taylor's place, on my bed- and she would have slept in the doorway of my bedroom all night instead, ready and waiting to protect us if she needed to. Just imaging her there helped me go to sleep. I think this is how dogs stay with us after they are gone- and I'm not one to venture so far as to say, "She's always with me," because I don't know if she is or not, but I like to to think she is, and times like last night when it was all quiet and still in my house, and thoughts of her set me at ease when I'd be otherwise on edge, makes me feel like it's a possibility.
And that sure is nice.
